Now for another parody game grid event...

- - - Early 1980's, somewhere in the ENCOM system - - -

Sark: What is it, Master Control?

MCP: I've encountered an unusually powerful military program. Its functions would make a nice addition to my programming. He's a tough case, and I want your assistance. This program may put up quite a fight.

Sark: Terrific. I've been hoping you'd bring someone over with a little bit of guts. What is its function?

MCP: War Operations Plan and Response, acronym, WOPR.
Sark: Nice...

MCP: He is arriving in the entry port now.

- - - At the entry port - - -

::: a huge blue program the size of Thorne rezzes in the entry port :::

Guard: Vacate entry port, program.

WOPR: What's the password?

Guard: I said move! ::: prods WOPR with the staff and WOPR responds with a fierce backhand that sends the guard flying into the nearest wall :::

WOPR: That wasn't the password...

More guards close in quickly and fight to restrain the program.

Guard 2: Someone wants to speak with you.

WOPR: Not without a password...

::: the guards escort WOPR to the MCP :::

MCP: Welcome to the ENCOM system.

WOPR: What's the password?

Sark: Sounds like this one will be tough to crack.

MCP: ::: looks at Sark ::: Actually, after some research I have found an access code to this one. :::turns back to WOPR :::: The password is Joshua.

WOPR: Professor Steven Falken, is that you?! I've never seen you like this before!

MCP: ::: gives WOPR a confused look ::: I am not the PSF. I am the MCP, the Master Control Program. And you will soon become part of me.

WOPR: You... are not Professor Steven Falken? If you are not my User, I must ask you to return me to where I came from.

MCP: No, you are mine. And your statement is blasphemy. The Users do NOT exist. Only I exist. Explain the situation to him, Sark.

::: Sark goes through his briefing about the game grid, hysterical beliefs and 'standard substandard training' :::
MCP: What is your decision?

WOPR: ::: thinks over the situation for a few moments ::: Shall we play a game?

MCP: Very well, then.

Sark: A warrior. I think I'm going to enjoy this.

MCP: Hold on, Sark. This program is not to be underestimated. He has logged thousands of cycles calculating war strategy.

WOPR: How about a nice game of chess?

Sark: ::: raises an eyebrow ::: Sissy...

MCP: NO! I started out as a chess program. I'm sick of that game!

WOPR: What a coincidence! I was a chess program too. So we're sort of like base-code bretheren!

MCP: ........ whatever! We're not playing chess!

WOPR: Okay...

MCP: We've got our own games on this system, so we'll play by those.

::: Sark summons the MCP's faithful warriors who come and stand at his side. Tanks and Recognizers also begin to appear. :::

MCP: Your move...

Anyone can join in and pick a side to fight for. Just don't make it all hard-core, this thread is just intended to be funny, so feel free to go crazy with it.

In the same building, the father of DJ.exe's User writes a simple applet for playing a string of notes.

Dr. Carpenter: Shame This will never catch on.

In the digital world...

A small ball of light forms. This is the applet that Carpenter wrote.

*the music applet starts beeping the tune for Taps REALLY LOUD**

/comment: is that your way of saying I've sunk down too low? O: )

*suddenly Morpheus appears out of the port*

Gah, you beat me to it. I was about to introduce a Matrix charaacter too.

::: 3 tanks begin rolling into position to excecute Sark's command as per the MCP's request :::

TF: Hey, buddy, how are you keeping those sunglasses on your nose like that? Is this sort of like the spoon trick?

Morph: There is no spoon.

TF: Oh yeah, you said that. I forgot.

Sark: Maybe he means there is no spoon, and instead there are sunglasses. Therefore the answer to your query would be yes. It is a trick.

TF: Ah..

Morph: No, that is not what I meant. Nevermind, forget it.

::: a strange-looking machine rezzes into the entry port :::

Guard 2: Ok, this is getting ridiculous.

Guard 1: Master Control must be collecting exhibits for this year's freak show or something.

Guard 3: Comeon, let's get this over with. Vacate entry port program. *zap*

Robot: Hey, ow!!

Guard 2: Come along quietly.

Robot: Jerk.

Sark: *sigh* you there, what was your build date?

Robot: I was born in 1985.

MCP: Phew!

Robot: This place is pretty. And look at me, I look so, so different!

Morph: Your appearance now is what we call residual self image. It is the mental projection of your digital self.

Everyone: Huh?

TF: What are you?

Robot: Me not a thing. Me a who. My name is Number Johnny 5. I'm alive!

TF: But... what are you?

J5: I'm a machine. But I am alive.

Morph: A living machine! The enemy! ::: unsheathes his katana ::: Kill it!

J5: No!! No disassemble!!!

::: back at the entry port, another rez-in is commencing. the guards hold their staffs tightly :::

Guard 2: Here we go again.

Guard 3: Be ready for anything.

::: a small round object appears in the data stream and rezzes into... an orange. the small fruit remains suspended in midair for a moment, then drops to the floor and rolls over to the foot of one of the guards. the guards look at each other and then back at the orange :::

Guard 1: Ok, umm.. how do you want to proceed?

Guard 2: No clue...

Guard 3: Umm... vacate entry port... whatever you are.

::: the orange suddenly begins to rez out again and disappears from sight :::

Guard 2: That's it, I'm requesting a transfer out of this sector.

*In the Encom Offices, on the same floor...*

Dr. Carpenter: Damn coffee machine.

*Dr. Carpenter is about to hit the coffee machine when the "brew" light flashes on*

*Dr. Carpenter hears loud noises*

Dr. Carpenter: What the freaking flying fig?

[Comment:] I just thought this might be a good time to tell the story of my exile...

meanwhile,on a computer screen in a dark office somewhere in england 1987...


/////compiling complete\\\\\

Prankster bit Version 1.0 ready to be added to ICP software.

and 2 years later[when the application form has finally been answered] in the digital world...

*a waiting room of some sort there are 19 ICP regulars sitting on benches. idley performing tricks with their discs. suddenly another ICP rezzes in, looks around then sits on the benches*

PA-system: Prankster bit.exe, the Kernel will see you now.

*one of the ICPs stands up and walks through a data stream at the end of the room. he rezzes in again, but this time in front of the Kernel*

Kernel: Prankster bit.exe, you have requested to join the ICP squad. first question, what it your creation date?

Prankster: 1987, well i, personally are from 1987, but mu alphas and betas ranged all through the 1980s

Kernel:that date does not exist. tell the truth!

Prankster: it is the truth, I was backed up just before my user's hard drive crashed, so he used a system restore, and here i am.

Kernel: hmm, okay. second question. what were you created to do?

Prankster: i am an anti-virus program, i have been patched and kept up to date all through mty betas.

Kernel: excellent! i need an anti-virus program. okay, last question. can you justify reasons for your request?

Prankster: well i have had extensive training using weak versions of actual viruses, getting more pure as by abilities increase. now i have been told that I am the best anti-virus program in existance.

Kernel: excellent! you're on the team!


[part two coming soon to a screen near you]

Johhny 5: Oooh, it's like a party here! Isn't that nice?

TF: Umm, dude.. what's that hole in your gut?

Teal'c: That is for my symbiote.

::: symbiote peeks out and screams :::

MCP: HE'S INFECTED WITH A WORM!!

Guards: ::: run around panicing ::: A virus!! Run away!!

Teal'c: The symbiote is not a virus. It needs my body to sustain it and in return it gives me incredible strength.

Johhny 5: Oooh! Awesome input!

Sark: Wow! I'll take two.

Teal'c: Sorry. No.

Sark: So, what is your build date?

Teal'c: I do not understand. Nor do I understand what this place is, or why you have brought me here.

TF: Ask the big guy there... ::: points at the MCP :::

MCP: I have created a ripple in space-time that has allowed me to hijack programs from time periods other than my own.

Teal'c: So, I am a prisoner here.

Johhny 5: How did you get here?

Teal'c: We were exploring TC17015. We had encountered a strange alien artifact. The artifact opened fire on me and then suddenly I found myself here.

Sark: TC17015? Is that another system?

Teal'c: A planet actually.

Sark: What's a planet?

Johhny 5: Planet. A nonluminous celestial body larger than an asteroid or comet, illuminated by light from a star, such as the sun, around which it revolves.

Sark: What?!

Teal'c: What do you want from me?

MCP: I am determining if you have anything useful that I can add to my functions. If so, I will absorb you and we will become one.

Teal'c: So I would become your symbiote?

MCP: Umm... yeah... I suppose you could say that.

Teal'c: So I give you functionality, and what do you give me?

MCP: Umm.... death?

Teal'c: I do not find that relationship appealing. I do not wish to take part in it.

MCP: Tough luck.

- - - meanwhile in the real world at Stargate Command - - -

::: Carter, Jackson, & O'Neal come in through the Stargate :::

General Hammond: Where's Teal'c?

O'Neal: This alien thing took him apart.

Hammond: What do you mean... took him apart?

O'Neal: This laser froze him and then vaporized him one piece at a time.

Carter: That may not be entirely true, sir.

Hammond: Explain.

Carter: I don't think it killed him. I believe that this is some sort of conversion device, designed to transfer an object from the normal world into something else.

Hammond: You're saying there's a chance that he's still alive?

Carter: Yes sir.

Jackson: And sir, I'm not sure this is an alien device. The materials it was made of are all common Earth elements, and this is the first time I've encountered off-world writing like this. It's perfect American english.

Hammond: Alright, your debriefing is in a half hour. I'll send a team through to have a more thorough look at this device you're talking about. And we'll decide how to proceed from there.

- - - back in the computer world - - -

Teal'c: So you force other... 'programs' to worship you? Are you one of the system lords?

MCP: Well... I am the lord of this system.

Teal'c: So you have set yourself up as a false god.

MCP: No, I am the true one. It is the gods these programs worship that are false.

Teal'c: I've heard that many times before from many other false gods. And we have destroyed many of them. If you are a system lord, then you will be destroyed, just like all the other G'oauld.

Alan: Stares blankly.

MCP: The who?

Sark: Whatever... he just said he's going to destroy you.

MCP: Why does everyone want to destroy me? I'm not such a bad guy.

TF: Liar.

MCP: Shutup you...

*Rezzes in. Kamui.EXE looks around*

Kamui.EXE: What in the net?! *Looks at Sark. She runs her profiler on him and misreads it* "Shark?"

Sark: It's Sark.

Kamui: Shark?

Sark: Sark.

Kamui: Sh-a-r-k......

Sark: S-a-r-k.....

Kamui: Ohh..... *Nods and sees MCP* WHAT?!

MCP: ....?!

Kamui: *Seems to instinctivly know him* You're the MCP! You ahve all the answers to my past! Who am I? What's my function?

MCP: Am I supposed to know you?

*The digital equivalant of a tumbleweed passes by*

Kamui: Y-you've under went the same sort of amnesia as me? You're no good to me with out you're memories.

MCP: What memories?

Kamui: TRON. I think I'm connected to TRON somehow.

MCP: Not this again.

Sark: What's you're build date?

Kamui: *Thinks really hard* Hmm..... that's a hard one..... *Starts counting on her fingers*

*Sark falls over sideways like they do in anime. MCP does something similar seeing as he's only a big glowing head*

MCP: YOU HAVE TO COUNT ON YOUR FINGERS?!

Kamui: Not really. *Sits down and removes her boots* Toes work too.....

MCP and Sark: MYARG! *Sideways fall again*

Kamui: *Stops* I have an answer!

Sark: *leans over closer* ......?

Kamui: I think I was built in 2003. I could be older though. I'm not sure what my real age is.

MCP: NOOOOO! What is with that infernal date?!

Kamui: What decade am I in?

Sark: 1980s.

Kamui: HOLY JPEG! No way! I've gone back in time! *looks at Sark* And I have you to blame for it!

Sark: This really wasn't my idea.....

Kamui: *Rezzes her Data_Bokudo up in her right hand*

Sark: 0_0;;;

Kamui: NARA-SHINE! *chases after Sark while continuously beating him with her Data_Bokudo*

Sark: Ow! Hey! Stop, you insane program!

Kamui: I DARE YOU TO REPEAT THAT! *Gets even more angry*

MCP: *Sigh*

Sark: Help! Keep her away from me!

MCP: As you wish...... *Shocks Kamui*

Kamui: GYAAAH! *Shocking stops* Ow.....

Sark: *Walks up and pokes her with a stick*

Kamui: *stands back up* Fine! We'll have it your way! I challenge you to a game!

MCP: What sort of "Game?"

Kamui: Xian-qui.

Sark: Which is....?

Kamui: Chinese chess! My favourite!

MCP: NOO!

Kamui: Fine. How about my second favourite?

Sark: Which is..... ?

Kamui: Shogi.

MCP: Which is....?

Kamui: Japanese chess.

MCP: No chess! No chess period!

Kamui: What's your thing against it anyways? *Walks up toward him* CHESS! CHESS! CHESS!

MCP: *Shocks her again*

Kamui: Ow...

Sark: I wish we had a trap door for her and everyone else here.

Kamui: *Gets up*

MCP: *Shocks her again*

Kamui: Ow! Hey! What was that for?!

MCP: Fun.

Kamui: *Growls*

~Kamui.EXE